Dont read! Couldnt delete entry!!

I. NITPICKS

“Ravyn we need to talk.” Misaki said to him slowly.

“ Well… I wanted to ask you something… but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I won’t force you.”

Raven was confused [Don‘t just tell us he‘s “confused“]. Something was wrong with the way she was talking to him. She sounded nervous, yet serious, like what she had to say might be a life-altering decision. He didn’t like that.

“Yes. I know we’ll be safe there. No one will bother us. And they sure as hell wouldn’t care if you were living there, [insert comma] even if you are an angel.”

“Misaki,” Raven said after a few minutes. “ I will only go down there if you are sure that it will be safe.” [s]He wasn’t about to put her in danger.[/s] [Don’t tell us]

“Anything for you.” He answered [s]honestly[/s].

Misaki and Raven were still kissing when something moved behind them.

“What was that?” she asked him breaking apart [It‘s better to say “she asked as she pulled away“].

Just then [Avoid starting out with “just then”] someone tackled him knocking him to the ground.

“ Traitor! I caught the traitor! He’s here I got him and his demon lover! Come quickly!”

“Tristan you bastard get off me!”

Tristan looked at him with pure hatred in his eyes. “ No! You’re not getting away again! No one believed me when I told them about you two but now I’ve got proof! You are in deep shit now! You and this little bitch!” he said pointing at Misaki.

Raven managed to free his arm and punched Tristan with all the strength he had. This knocked him off of him [s]almost instantly[/s] [This description is too iffy]. Raven didn’t hesitate to take advantage of his just earned freedom.

“The only place we can go.” He said a set look on his face.

Raven ripped his shirt of exposing magnificent snow-white wings growing out of his almost equally pale back. In one swift movement he swept Misaki up into his arms and took off. In a matter of seconds they were flying among the clouds as fast as he could manage [s](which was pretty fast)[/s]. But not fast enough. Seconds later an arrow of light narrowly missed Raven ’s ear.

“ Shit.” He said turning around to see what had shot it.

There were five angels all with the same beautiful white wings as Raven shooting arrows of light at them. He sped up [But you already said he was going as fast as he could go..].

Sure enough the sparkling glass surface of the lake came into view. Raven sped towards it [s]hopefully[/s].

“ OK, [insert comma] Misaki, how do we get in?”

He let out a yelp of pain at the searing in his bleeding leg. Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist three of the angels went up in flames hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire screaming in agony.

“ Calm down.” He said [s]to her calmly.[/s]

Raven sighed. “Whatever. You don’t need to take care of me I'm fine. Uh oh… brace yourself.”

Just then they crashed through the ice-cold water of the lake shattering the glassy surface in to a [s]million[/s] tiny, [insert comma] glittering fragments. They were speeding toward the bottom of the lake where [s]there was nothing but darkness[/s] [Weird phrasing]. [s]Then a light barely visible[/s] [say a “barely visible light] appeared at the bottom.

Then [b]avoid starting out with “then”] without any warning pain shot through out his body like liquid fire running through his veins. It was torture. It was blinding. He couldn’t think of anything but the pain. It felt like the skin was being ripped from his body until all that was left was a bleeding, pathetic excuse for an angel. Then [there it is again] [s]as abruptly as it started it stopped[/s] [I think you should say this differently] and Raven found himself sitting next to a lake of fire [insert “and”] surrounded by the screams of the tortured souls of those whose fate is an eternity of damnation.

“Raven your wings!” Misaki screamed, [insert comma] horrified.

He looked back at his wings and was terrified by what he saw. His wings were no longer pure white but a sparkling gray like some of the darkness of the lake clung to his wings like little tainted drops of water.

“I know.” Misaki began to chuckle lightly the chuckle growing into a full out laugh.
Every drop of blood in his veins froze.

“ This is just all too easy.” She said to him with a wicked smile curving her lips. “ You know, [insert commas around “Raven”] Raven I thought that you would be hard to try to convince but you’re just so [b]head-over-heels in love with me that you willingly walk right in to a trap! Pathetic!” she spat at his feet.
This could not be happening.

“Misaki stop messing around I’m not in the mood for your sick sense of humor.”
Misaki stared at him in pity. “You don’t believe me do you? Well maybe HE [italicize rather than capitalize can explain.”
Before Raven could reply two massive hands grabbed him from behind a second before [weirdly worded] skull splitting pain shot from his head down his spine knocking him unconscious.

Godmoding (sometimes incorrectly spelled as "godmodding") is a term used in message board based role-playing games to describe two behaviours of players. The term comes from the "god mode" found in many video games, allowing a player to activate features such as invincibility, unlimited ammunition or lives, or similar power boosts. Godmoding is almost always frowned upon by other members of the game, because it is regarded as a form of cheating against the game's tacit rules.

He let out a yelp of pain at the searing in his bleeding leg. Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist 3 of the angels went up in flames hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire screaming in agony.

Hey! I like it!
some things though.

Sure enough the sparkling glass surface of the lake came into view. Raven sped towards it hopefully.

“Whatever. You don’t need to take care of me i'm fine. Uh oh… brace yourself.”

This was interesting, and I'd like to hear more. You should defiantly continue.

~Mateeah

First of all, I really enjoyed this. It kinda reminded me of twilight... something in that general area. I would really like it if you continued this story and developed it more. The characters are very unique. Just fix up some grammar

This was very good. I really liked it! The characters seemed unique, and the story was exciting.

But I do have a couple suggestions. First of all, while the story was good, you didn't tell me enough of the story for me to completely understand what was going on. I understood that he was an angel, and I understood that he was an outcast because he loved this girl, but what is the girl? Why is their love forbidden? And the entire situation they were in for the whole scene was very vague. Granted, if you were saving the details for later, maybe trying to use suspense, that would be good to an extent. Suspense is good so long as you know how to use it, but I think it went too far here.

One more thing. I think you hesitated too much with comma usage.

She sounded nervous yet serious like what she had to say might be a life altering decision.

She sounded nervous, yet serious, like what she had to say might be a life altering decision.

No one believed me when I told them about you two but now I’ve got proof!

No one believed me when I told them about you two, but now I've got proof!

Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist 3 of the angels went up in flames hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire screaming in agony

Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist, 3 of the angels went up in flames, hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire, screaming in agony.

ummm...a demon loving an angel, i take it?

It's different and I enjoy different. I don't see anything wrong with it, but don't take my word with it. I like it. I hope you will continue it. Good luck.