I. NITPICKS
“Ravyn we need to talk.” Misaki said to him slowly.
Be consistent with his name - it’s either “Ravyn” or “Raven”.
“ Well… I wanted to ask you something… but you don’t have to do it if you don’t want to. I won’t force you.”
Raven was confused [Don‘t just tell us he‘s “confused“]. Something was wrong with the way she was talking to him. She sounded nervous, yet serious, like what she had to say might be a life-altering decision. He didn’t like that.
“Yes. I know we’ll be safe there. No one will bother us. And they sure as hell wouldn’t care if you were living there, [insert comma] even if you are an angel.”
“Misaki,” Raven said after a few minutes. “ I will only go down there if you are sure that it will be safe.” [s]He wasn’t about to put her in danger.[/s] [Don’t tell us]
“Anything for you.” He answered [s]honestly[/s].
Misaki and Raven were still kissing when something moved behind them.
This is too much telling.
“What was that?” she asked him breaking apart [It‘s better to say “she asked as she pulled away“].
Just then [Avoid starting out with “just then”] someone tackled him knocking him to the ground.
“ Traitor! I caught the traitor! He’s here I got him and his demon lover! Come quickly!”
Who’s he calling?
“Tristan you bastard get off me!”
I can’t imagine an angel (albeit a bad one) saying that.
Tristan looked at him with pure hatred in his eyes. “ No! You’re not getting away again! No one believed me when I told them about you two but now I’ve got proof! You are in deep shit now! You and this little bitch!” he said pointing at Misaki.
I definitely can’t imagine a good angel saying this.
Raven managed to free his arm and punched Tristan with all the strength he had. This knocked him off of him [s]almost instantly[/s] [This description is too iffy]. Raven didn’t hesitate to take advantage of his just earned freedom.
“The only place we can go.” He said a set look on his face.
What’s a “set look”?
Raven ripped his shirt of exposing magnificent snow-white wings growing out of his almost equally pale back. In one swift movement he swept Misaki up into his arms and took off. In a matter of seconds they were flying among the clouds as fast as he could manage [s](which was pretty fast)[/s]. But not fast enough. Seconds later an arrow of light narrowly missed Raven ’s ear.
“ Shit.” He said turning around to see what had shot it.
There were five angels all with the same beautiful white wings as Raven shooting arrows of light at them. He sped up [But you already said he was going as fast as he could go..].
“We’re almost there.” He said to [s]Misaki[/s] [We know he’s talking to her] . “Keep your head down.” [/quote]
Sure enough the sparkling glass surface of the lake came into view. Raven sped towards it [s]hopefully[/s].
“ OK, [insert comma] Misaki, how do we get in?”
If you say “OK” once you need to keep it consistent and keep it “OK”.
He let out a yelp of pain at the searing in his bleeding leg. Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist three of the angels went up in flames hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire screaming in agony.
“ Calm down.” He said [s]to her calmly.[/s]
I don’t like the use of “calm” two times in this sentence.
Raven sighed. “Whatever. You don’t need to take care of me I'm fine. Uh oh… brace yourself.”
Just then they crashed through the ice-cold water of the lake shattering the glassy surface in to a [s]million[/s] tiny, [insert comma] glittering fragments. They were speeding toward the bottom of the lake where [s]there was nothing but darkness[/s] [Weird phrasing]. [s]Then a light barely visible[/s] [say a “barely visible light] appeared at the bottom.
Then [b]avoid starting out with “then”] without any warning pain shot through out his body like liquid fire running through his veins. It was torture. It was blinding. He couldn’t think of anything but the pain. It felt like the skin was being ripped from his body until all that was left was a bleeding, pathetic excuse for an angel. Then [there it is again] [s]as abruptly as it started it stopped[/s] [I think you should say this differently] and Raven found himself sitting next to a lake of fire [insert “and”] surrounded by the screams of the tortured souls of those whose fate is an eternity of damnation.
“Raven your wings!” Misaki screamed, [insert comma] horrified.
He looked back at his wings and was terrified by what he saw. His wings were no longer pure white but a sparkling gray like some of the darkness of the lake clung to his wings like little tainted drops of water.
Take out one “like”.
“I know.” Misaki began to chuckle lightly the chuckle growing into a full out laugh.
Every drop of blood in his veins froze.
Ah…the maniacal laughter…
“ This is just all too easy.” She said to him with a wicked smile curving her lips. “ You know, [insert commas around “Raven”] Raven I thought that you would be hard to try to convince but you’re just so [b]head-over-heels in love with me that you willingly walk right in to a trap! Pathetic!” she spat at his feet.
This could not be happening.
“Misaki stop messing around I’m not in the mood for your sick sense of humor.”
Misaki stared at him in pity. “You don’t believe me do you? Well maybe HE [italicize rather than capitalize can explain.”
Before Raven could reply two massive hands grabbed him from behind a second before [weirdly worded] skull splitting pain shot from his head down his spine knocking him unconscious.
II. ANGELS AND DEMONS
This is a difficult story to write. It’s going to be hard to convince readers that an angel can really fall in love with a demon. Think of it this way, I write a vampire novel [s]that doesn’t have a tortured MC who lives off of animals and thinks that he’s damned to hell because vampires are evil creatures[/s] and the vampires live off of vegetable juice. It’s weird isn’t it? It pulls to far away from the original mythos and so it would be difficult for you to understand/read right?
The same applies for you here. I’m not saying that love stories between angels/demons are entirely impossible, but it’s going to be difficult to convince your readers that Raven is so irrevocably in love with Misaki that he’d damn himself for her. Instead of starting out this way for your first chapter, maybe show Raven before he falls in love with Misaki and build up the romance to the point that they just have to be together in the reader’s mind.
Now, moving on to your angels. I just can’t imagine angels being potty mouths either. I can’t imagine an angel saying “bastard” or punching a fellow angel nor can imagine an angel calling a girl (albeit a demon) a bitch and telling them that they’re in “deep shit now.” I just can’t. You really should expand on this - I can much easier see the angels trying to separate the two or, better yet, damning Raven because of this.
Also, another thing I don’t like is how nonchalantly they talk about going to hell. The way the discuss (and how quickly decide) is a bit distressing. It’s like they’re talking about the weather or something. I think you should really elaborate on Raven’s thoughts during this and draw it out so the reader isn’t too surprised that he decides to damn himself.
III. NO ONE LIKES GODMODING
Godmoding (sometimes incorrectly spelled as "godmodding") is a term used in message board based role-playing games to describe two behaviours of players. The term comes from the "god mode" found in many video games, allowing a player to activate features such as invincibility, unlimited ammunition or lives, or similar power boosts. Godmoding is almost always frowned upon by other members of the game, because it is regarded as a form of cheating against the game's tacit rules.
Read full article here
Sure this is a roleplaying term and it applies to invincibility but I think it specifically applies to this:
He let out a yelp of pain at the searing in his bleeding leg. Misaki put her hand out behind Raven and with a flick of her wrist 3 of the angels went up in flames hurtling to the Earth like balls of fire screaming in agony.
No one likes characters that can dispose of other characters with a flick of their wrists. It’s just annoying and people want to watch characters struggle to defeat their enemies rather than just dispose of them so quickly.
The second thing I have to say about this though, if you are so keen on having her do this…Why didn’t she do this immediately when the angels appear?
IV. DIALOGUE AND MORE DIALOGUE
The majority of this piece is just a bunch of dialogue and the majority of your descriptions are just a sentence long. You need to add more imagery and sensory description to this piece so the reader can better put themselves in the story. Where are Raven and Misaki when the first meet? For all I know they could be in a hospital room or in a crawlspace - I don’t know. You need to tell us where they are and what it’s like there and continue doing this subtly throughout the story.
V. OVERALL IMPRESSION
I thought this was interesting and I think it has some promise. It just needs to be fixed a bit. PM me if you have any questions or concerns.
Points: 890
Reviews: 99
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